Snow Job
Let’s call it what it is: A fast & Furious Christmas in Jumanji.
REd One
Director: Jake Kasdan • Writer: Chris Morgan
Starring: Dwayne Johnson, Chris Evans, Lucy Liu, JK Simmons, Kristofer Hivju, Kiernan Shipka
USA • 2hrs 4mins
Opens Hong Kong Nov 7 • IIA
Grade: C
Red One is a US$250 million movie. Another one in the trend towards “content” rather than “films” that deep-pocketed streamers keep paying US$100, $200, $300 million for – for production, barely passable CGI, star salaries, the rights, whatever – and keep churning out and calling successes because we were too lazy to change our settings from the default “auto play next recommendation” or some such. Or more likely, auto-started after whatever middling, just-competent enough to look at (not watch) but not quite shitty enough to be truly gawdawful movie we had on and fell asleep during: Red Notice, Heart of Stone, the Rebel Moons, The Gray Man, The Tomorrow War, Ghosted, the list goes on. No, not all this stuff is bad; there are always exceptions to the rule (Prey, Rebel Ridge, Saltburn), and licensing laws and co-production treaties muddy the waters of what’s truly a “Netflix Original.” But hey, not all Americans voted for the Orange One again, but it goes to pattern, your honour.
Red One is a muddy one. Technically it’s only being distributed by Amazon, so it’s not Bezos’s fault we have to put up with more of this dreck. But it’s a co-production of star Dwayne Johnson’s production house and MGM – which is owned by… checks notes… oh right! Amazon. Whatever the legal status, Red One was originally slated for release last year, but sat on the shelf due to the SAG and WGA strikes. Then it was decided the made-for-the-small-screen CGI should get a theatrical release and here we are. Editorial Alert: I hate Christmas. But lots of people don’t and a big, juicy, sweet slice of holiday cheese isn’t a bad thing in itself. It’s just a drag when it’s obviously a calculated, four-quadrant product more than a piece of that cheese.
Me, on December 23
Red One has Johnson teaming up with his Jumanji magician Jake Kasdan and Shazam! Fury of the Gods and Fast & Furious mastermind writer Chris Morgan for a deconstruction and modern reconstruction of the Santa Claus myth, complete with advanced technology, Wakanda-style cloaked city-states and a St Nick (fucking Oscar winner JK Simmons) positioned as a POTUS type (that’s particularly bitter today) constantly flanked by a squad of ELF – enforcement, logistics and fortification – agents and code named Red One. He and the missus (Bonnie Hunt) live in a hidden North Pole, and Nick works out his guns benching 100kg and managing the machine until Christmas Eve. The ELF security squad is headed up by the hilariously monikered Callum Drift (Johnson), who also keeps the rest of the magical, mystical creatures and artefacts safe and sound. But this is Cal’s last Christmas Eve before retirement (because of course it is) after a few centuries working with Nick; he’s disillusioned with the gig. “I love the kids, but the grown-ups are killing me.” We hear you Cal.
Enter the picture hacker (because of course he is) Jack O’Malley (Chris Evans), AKA The Wolf, who sells some location data to a nefarious group that proceeds to kidnap Santa with the aim of mass punishment of the naughty instead of spreading cheer to the nice. Zoe Harlow’s (Lucy Liu, deserving better) Mythological Oversight and Restoration Authority, MORA (seriously, what’s with the acronyms?), gets busy looking for Nick by roping in Jack, a polar bear ELF Garcia (voiced by Reinaldo Faberlle), and Nick’s adopted brother Krampus (Kristofer Hivju, Ygritte’s admirer in Game of Thrones). Did I mention Jack is a bitter Santa-hater? Or a shitty absentee father to Dylan (Wesley Kimmel)? Do you think he’ll have a change of heart?
Perhaps what hurts most about Red One is the blown potential. There’s some genuine fun tucked among the drudgery, and some clever worldbuilding, even if the magic-as-technology gag is already getting old. The toy store portals, the big bad in Grýla (Kiernan Shipka), a witch pulled from Icelandic lore, The Ride, as it’s called, by eight digital, rather badass reindeer pulling Nick’s souped up golden sleigh, the workplace sniping about Harold in ribbons. All that’s amusing, and could be a tremendous foundation for a more thoughtful story – one that also knew what it wanted to be if Kasdan and Morgan weren’t so dead set on pleasing kids, adults, nerds, fantasy buffs (the D&D vibe is strong) and anyone who thinks Johnson and Evans are hotties all at the same time and missing the boat. The characters are as beige and undefined as the CG action, and they’re very hard to care for when they’re so broadly drawn. Johnson is uncharacteristically low-key in his straight man role, Evans is left to do the heavy comedy lifting without much to work with, and emotional arcs are as predictable as the winter solstice. Thankfully, Red One has Hivju, the stealth star who injects some snarky life into the otherwise bland proceedings. Perhaps not surprisingly the prosthetics and practical effects that create his hedonistic, louche Krampus are the film’s best, and though it’s hard to see Hivju through them, his performance is the film’s brightest light. It might work on TV. It may work closer to December 25. It’s just too early for this shit.
Need more Santa?
No, not more Christmas. More Santa. They’re totally different.
Bad Santa, d: Terry Zwigoff (2003)
The eternally scary Billy Bob Thornton stars as the world’s worst mall Santa ever, and a soothing balm for anyone who just can’t with this bloody holiday.
Silent Night, Deady Night, d: Charles E Sellier (1984)
This is the Christmas slasher curiosity that got the pearl-clutchers all a-tizzy about the film’s Santa serial killer upsetting their kids. Yeah, it’s pretty bad.
Rare Exports, d: Jalmari Helander (2010)
This deadpan holiday horror-comedy rooted in Finnish mythology is a Cat III Santa origin story that DGAF about holiday cheer. Clever, creepy and cool.