Batty
In a sad and cynical plot to squeeze every last drop out of ‘Spider-Man’ licences, the least engaging rogue from Peter Parker’s gallery gets an origin story.
Morbius
Director: Daniel Espinosa • Writers: Matt Sazama, Burk Sharpless, based on the character by Roy Thomas and Gil Kane
Starring: Jared Leto, Matt Smith, Adria Arjona, Jared Harris, Tyrese Gibson, Al Madrigal
USA • 1hr 44mins
Opens Hong Kong May 19 • IIB
Grade: D
No, seriously, what the hell is going on in Morbius? Whoever thought giving this low-rent Spider-Man adjacent quasi-villain (he was an anti-hero in the comics, I guess?) his own vehicle was clearly smoking the good shit, because wow. What is this? Sometimes a hot mess is something to be savoured, kind of like Morbius star Jared Leto’s hammy performance in House of Gucci. Chef’s kiss on that one, but this? As baffling as it is transparent.
The frantic script – by the for some reason consistently employed Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless, whose previous plonc includes Gods of Egypt (!), The Last Witch Hunter (!!) and Dracula Untold (!!!) – is cushioned by cheesy visual effects, typically blinding editing (if you can’t see it, is it a piece of crap?) and Tyrese Gibson at his most wooden. It’s not quite an affront to decency, but it’s trying hard. But had anyone put just a little more effort into silliness, really leaned into the nonsense, it could have been a great bad movie. As it stands it’s just cheap and forgettable, and it makes Sony’s desperate attempt to spin its own expandable ’verse out of the one Marvel property it owns even sadder.
She’s obviously a scientist. Look at all that math on the blackboard
Morbius’ backstory starts when the Greek (!) youngling winds up in a special hospital for children with unspecified blood-borne illnesses. Wee Michael Morbius is already hobbling towards death on crutches, but he does origami so he’s also clearly a genius. His kindly (they’re always kindly) doctor/mentor Emil Nicholas (poor Jared Harris from Mad Men and Chernobyl) lobbies to get Michael into an elite school where his genius can be tapped, thus separating him from his new BFF, Lucien. whom he calls Milo. Cut to 25 years later, still-not-dead Michael (Leto, utterly devoid of charisma) is splicing vampire bat DNA (uh-oh) with human and curing himself of his unspecified blood-borne illness. But there’s a catch: it makes him a vampire. He’s kept in touch with Lucien/Milo (former Doctor Who Matt Smith, looking like that dude from The Blow Monkeys when he vamps out), who’s now somehow loaded and is Michael’s primary research funder, and when he hears about the cure, he wants it. Vampiric side-effects be damned.
Words cannot fully elucidate the nuttiness and derivativeness that drives this narrative, such as it is. Morbius wins a Nobel Prize for his life-saving artificial blood, and if your brain went to “Tru Blood”, you’re not alone. If your brain went to Captain America’s post-transformation unveiling when Morbius woke up from his serum coma, you’re not alone. If your brain went to Darkman when Morbius found a new lab, same. And, oh man, if you had visions of Batman Begins when Michael steps into the bat-lab well, you know what the next words are going to be.
Ladies and gentlemen: Oscar winner Jared Leto
The cast seems to know it’s trapped in a dumpster fire. Gibson can often be shrill while carrying out his comic relief duties in Fast & Furious entries, but he appears to be half asleep here as FBI agent Simon Stroud, who’s chasing down the exsanguination murders that are popping up all over Manhattan. Comedian-writer Al Madrigal plays his partner Alberto Rodriguez and displays none of the wit he did on The Daily Show. Adria Arjona (6 Underground) gets the plum role of houseplant fellow scientist and refrigerator bait love interest Martine Bancroft, and thank Christ she’s got Andor and Irma Vep lined up because anyone with eyes would question her commitment to her craft if they were looking at this as a job reference. The only person who appears to be having some fun is Smith. His performance is one by an actor that looked at the final script, realised his contract was unbreakable, and said to himself, “Fuck it. Let’s go!” and started chewing up the scenery. Amid the aggressive smashing of urban concrete and squiggly line CGI on ears and in the air, Smith is a moderately bright light. Just look at that little dressing room boogie. Magnificent. DEK