Back to the Altar
Jennifer Lopez returns to her favourite block, and it has absolutely nothing to do with the ‘6’ train.
Marry Me
Director: Kat Coiro • Writers: John Rogers, Tami Sagher, Harper Dill, based on the graphic novel by Bobby Crosby
Starring: Jennifer Lopez, Owen Wilson, Maluma, John Bradley, Sarah Silverman, Chloe Coleman, Michelle Buteau
USA • 1hr 52mins
Opens Hong Kong Apr 28 • IIA
Grade: B-
Okay. Let’s see how many of the Hollywood rom-com ingredients are present and accounted for in Marry Me. Is there:
A ton of white people?
An unlikely pair, often burnt by romance and afraid to try again? Alternatively they can be devoted to an elderly parent/tween that demands their attention.
A meet cute, followed by the slow realisation that he/she (and this shit’s as heteronormative as it comes, so yes, he/she) could be the one?
A pair of BFFs/assistants/co-workers (one for each) at the ready with third-party confirmation that he/she is indeed the one, and help in the form of transport tickets?
A nonsense second act misunderstanding/conflict that could easily be cleared up with a five-minute conversation?
A third act Mad Dash to the Airport/Bus Station™ to declare true love?
A strategically located kitchen appliance, a Chekhov’s Blender as it were, that will explode during the Getting to Know You phase in Act 2?
A scene where (usually) the girl, who sucks at life, goes home all mopey with a baguette sticking our of her grocery bag?
Congratulations, you’ve just endured a rom-com at its least transgressive and most conventional – star Jennifer Lopez adding some seasoning aside. Admittedly pointing all this out is like declaring that water is wet. And yes, this is very much a Hollywood model. South Korean romances tend to the tragic; Korean filmmakers love nothing more than a terminal illness. And in Japan the tendency is towards impropriety, so we’ll leave those two players on the bench. For now.
We’re not actually sure if this a Lopez biopic or not
Everything about Marry Me – which had been set for a Valentine’s Day release – seems cynically engineered to promote NBC Universal product (it’s the only explanation for the presence of the execrable Jimmy Fallon), assorted social media platforms or Lopez herself, a producer on the film so yeah. Duh. She plays Kat Valdez, who does not suck at life. She’s a global superstar (ahem) with a history of very public failed romances (ahem!), and barely a smidgen of critical respect to match her commercial success (AHEM!). Are we sure this isn’t a biopic? Kat trots out an endless parade of fabulous outfits that show off why J.Lo is still J.Lo, yet makes time for a page boy hat and mad bowling skillz to remind us she’s Jenny from the block. Jenny so far from the block now she wouldn’t know it if she fell in it.
The modest US$23 million (which Lopez probably pulled from her sofa cushions and the pockets of her jeans on laundry day) film cribs from Julia Roberts’s Notting Hill (famous girl, normal boy) and tosses in a pinch of Music and Lyrics for its construction, which pivots on pop power couple Kat and Bastian (Colombian superstar Maluma, clearly a singer and not an actor) going full Kardashian to livestream their wedding from her concert. When Kat discovers his infidelity (of course) she throws her hands up in frustration and decides to marry the first dude she sees in the audience. That’s Charlie Gilbert (Owen Wilson, the only actor to have zero chemistry with Jennifer Lopez), who’s at the show with his daughter Lou (Chloe Coleman). It ends with successful pair bonding.
If you guessed best friends/assistants/gay confidantes you win a prize
As pedestrianly directed by TV regular Kat Coiro, Marry Me lacks the ambition of Jonathan Levine’s recent rom-com high water mark Long Shot, even though there’s plenty of meat on the bones. Do Coiro and her writers John Rogers, Tami Sagher and Harper Dill examine Kat’s unshakeable devotion to the idea of love, especially for women “north of 35?” Nope. Does she take a deep dive into the media landscape that made Kat and her manager Colin (John Bradley, he has plane tickets) decide to exploit the impulsive decision for posts and follows? Nah-uh. Is there an acknowledgement of how Lopez’s own well documented relationships could have informed the film. Not a chance. Perhaps most unforgivable, though, is the complete lack of internal logic, even rom-com logic. The characters consistently contradict what we’ve been taught about them, and in a concept that takes “sky high” to new heights, Kat’s inciting, impulsive move is a reach. Had Kat pointed at Charlie’s BFF Parker (Sarah Silverman) and said, “Her!” then you’d have a movie. They could have reinvented the wheel, or at least tried to, but settled for better than Maid in Manhattan, lesser than Second Act.
Still, this is J.Lo we’re talking about, and while Roberts, and rom-com rivals like Reese Witherspoon and Sandra Bullock have pivoted to prestige streaming/cable drama and indies, Lopez continues to stump for this tired genre, often making dreck entertaining by sheer force of charismatic will – this time with songs (“Church” is priceless). And bless her for it. When she explains to Charlie that just because love doesn’t work once that you should give up all hope of success she could just as well be talking about her rom-com career. She’s still charming, she’s dedicated to killing the sucks at life trope for women (mostly), and her Mad Dash to the Airport™ was genuinely witty, taking a subtle skewer to that most rote of moments. You know she’s not going to dump these anytime soon (Shotgun Wedding coming up). It’s J.Lo’s romantic world. We just live in it. And I’m kinda fine with that. DEK
At some point we all worship at the temple of Lopez